I've had a weird day (Tik Tok)

So, today was one of the weirdest days of I have ever had. It’s like my life was something out of a music video or something.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty weird. I was definitely hungover, maybe even a little coked out from the night before, ya know, feeling like P. Diddy or something. I don’t remember having a drink last night, and I definitely don’t remember doing hard drugs. Whatever I brushed it off. I tried to start my day off normal next, get out and enjoy the city. So I go in to brush my teeth, and I have NO clue where my damn toothpaste is. I searched everywhere, even in the shower. Nope. All I could find was this bottle whiskey. Sooo I decided to just play it cool and brush my teeth with a little bit of jack. I probably won’t be coming back anytime early tonight as it is, I expect work will keep me late.
I got in the shower, trying to clear my head from the cocaine, and all of the whiskey I accidentally swallowed brushing teeth. Weird thing is, it doesn’t help, because when I look down, I noticed that amazingly, my toes have had what appears to be an entire makeover, like someone just straight up gave me a manicure. All right then. I got out of the shower, walked over to my closet to get dressed, and damn it if I couldn’t find a thing to wear. I swear, I tried on every article of clothing I owned before I finally decided on something I liked. It was short shorts, cowboy boots, and a shirt that REALLY doesn’t fit me, in case you were wondering. I was feeling frisky.
As I’m walking out the door, I realized I forgot my phone, so I turned around to find it. You’ll never guess where I found it either. In my freaking microwave. Crazy right? I decided not to worry about it, because when I looked at it, I found I had about 15 missed calls, and 20 new texts messages, all from guys I didn’t know. What the hell happened last night? Did I go to a rave or something? Ughh, I need to call the cops or something.
I walk out to get in my car, and I see a convertible sitting in my driveway. This is concerning me for many reasons, the least of which being that I definitely had a Lexus last time I checked. Oh right, and I hate convertibles. Who wants that much wind in their hair anyways? God, plus people staring at you everywhere you go? I can’t handle the pressure. Well, I decide to get in the convertible, having to hop over into because someone stupidly jammed the door shut. With the day I’m having, I’ll most likely never find my car ever again anyways, make some lemonade perhaps? Thankfully, the keys are in the ignition, so I start it and realize I will never hear anything again in my life. Why you ask? Because someone left the volume up on a terrible rap/hiphop/techno piece of crap CD, and I’ve now ruptured my eardrums. Thank you, random stranger.
I look around the car after finally turning off the terrible sound coming from my speakers, and notice some mapquest direction on the seat next to me. I figure what the hell, I might as well head on over to this address, maybe one of my friends played a trick on me, and all of my stuff is there. No such luck. I pulled up to a house full of rowdy drunk teenagers, doing things they definitely should not be doing. They are totally getting the cops called on them, especially with them throwing beers at the car, screaming”GET CRUNK!”...whatever that means.
I get out, and try to walk farther into the party, past all of the reckless kids throwing up because they can’t handle their liquor and proceed over to what appears to be a DJ, standing in front of a laptop and speakers that are taller than I am. The said speakers, also seem to be on their last leg. It’s like someone tried to blow them up or something. I ask him whose party this is, and maybe any other details he can tell me, but all I can get out of him is a loud “DON’T STOP, MAKE IT POP”, which is rather annoying when screamed 10,000 times in a row. I turn around to walk back to my car, but I’m stopped by 2 boys who appear to be trying to fight, but in reality are mostly just wrestling loosely on the ground, in a slightly homosexual manner. Someone really needs to tell them to get a room.
Sneaking past the gay men and the gathering crowd, I arrive at my car and jump in, only to realize I lost my keys somewhere in the mass of people. Now what do I do. I start searching harder around the car for possibly a spare set hidden, with no luck. The glove box, under the back seat, under my seat, nothing. I find the switch to open the trunk and go for it. Walking back there, I realize that this was possibly one of the worst decisions of my life, as it was an entire trunk full of cans of beer. Not racks of beer, not in a bag of any sort, just a trunk full of beer. My first instinct upon seeing this is initially joy, because hey, who doesn’t like beer? My next thought, which thinking back, should have been my first, was to shut the trunk so the whole world, and party, does not observe all of the massive amounts of alcohol. Right. Forgot that hordes of drunken teenagers can spot that from a mile away. Within seconds, there’s an entire line of guys at my car, all begging me to let them have some beer. Well, I was flabbergasted and very confused, and decided to do the first thing that came to mind and flip a coin. It’s kind of a nervous habit of mine. I reach into the pocket of my short shorts to find a quarter, but all I found was 2 mentos, 1 paperclip, and a slightly used condom. Well, after retching form the condom, I do the next best thing, and decided I’m not going to give beer to any of them, as that would be distributing alcohol to minors. Except this one kid, who looked remarkably like Mick Jagger. Seriously, the kid had the gigantic lips and open shirt and everything. Uncanny. He got a beer just because of how badass that was.
At this point, the people were getting a little mad, because apparently its “Not cool, bro” to bring beer to a party and not share. My bad. I wasn’t aware of this etiquette. I’ve also heard it’s not very polite to touch my dick if you don’t know me, but you didn’t follow that rule either. So I smacked him. Right across the face. His expression also happened to be the funniest I’ve seen in a long time.
Out of nowhere, about 5 cop cars showed up to stop the ruckus. Boy, were they late.
My heart started pounding as I saw them, because I figure I was going to get arrested like the rest of the people here. Turns out, I was completely correct. Two officers screamed at me to put my hands up, as a third slammed me against the now closed trunk of my car, searching me all over. He handcuffed me and threw me into the cruiser. Sitting in the silence of the car, I realized I still couldn’t hear anything except for this random tik tok going to town in my head. It went on and on, not stopping for anything. I guess that’s another thing I’m going to have to deal with in all the therapy I’m going to need for this day alone.
The cop gets in the car and starts off towards the precinct, not saying a word the entire time. I’m dragged in by the cuffs, and booked by a lackey sitting at a desk. This guy was far nicer to me and asks if I want to be in a cell by myself or group. As I mentioned earlier, I was still feeling a little frisky so I chose group. Walking down the corridor towards it, I start to think, maybe this could be fun. Maybe there’s a little party going on in there…and it just hasn’t started without me. I walk in, and see the DJ sitting in the corner to my left. To my right is one of the kids from the fight. I can hear the tik tok even louder now….and then I partied…

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